Beware! Space Pandas! | Audio
By Will Ross
Will Ross is a writer/poet from Omaha, Nebraska. He's been writing and podcasting for nearly five years now. He lives at home with three terriers, a roommate, and about thirty Arizona Iced tea empties.
I think the greatest environmental threat to the human race is if super smart pandas had lasers and they came down from space where aliens trained them to be smart, but also shoot lasers. This would be a drastic change of environment. Because it would be a bear, which is harder to shoot than a person, but it would also have a laser, which is better than a gun. So as you can see the space pandas are each worth like... four army dudes. Not the ones from Call of Duty with the Javelins or nothing. Like regular just want to go to college not die fighting space panda type dudes.
So like, also, they're coming from Space. Sun Tzu once said "Shoot arrows from up there, they'll go farther." So like, a third thing is that with their Jet-Packs (how they're getting down from space) their lasers are firing DOWN so they'll go twice as far as the bullets from the army dudes, which will go half as far. What that means is mathematically at that altitude each space panda with a laser is worth EIGHT army dudes.
Now, on top of that, remember how I said the aliens trained them to be super smart? So the soldiers don't get to go to college until they fight space pandas in the army. So they won't understand leading and trajectories like the space pandas will; or Shakespeare as well. So now we're up to like NINE OR TEN DUDES, for one panda from space.
So now, imagine there are like a hundred of them? They could take out an army base easy. And our army is all spread out so they could laser through like Strat-Com and junk. So with all our nuclear missiles down... the mother-ship is in play!
So the mother-ship drops out of space, right? Cause regulars SAMs and junk wont penetrate it, and our nukes were surgically removed by space pandas. And it's got like, tons of little ships that fly out also, so even if all the worlds air force teamed up, forget about it. Not gonna happen.
So all the army dudes and like cops and maybe security guards that fight back get lasered plus also those dudes that have bumper-stickers that say "You can take my gun out my cold dead hands" but they're hands are always sweaty and kind of gross; like they rub your palm with their thumb and it's probably by accident but he really likes cleaning that gun. Those guys get lasered.
A resistance forms but with the mother-ship in the sky there's no way to stop them. Then someone asks this guy. And I say, "just put a bunch of nukes in some catapults and you can hit the side of it rendering it exploded." And I got the idea because there was a show on catapults at that exact moment and I pull my sunglasses off and say what I already said I said.
So like the army guys that are left roll all these catapults out that we had in the Smithsonian from the War of 1812 and all these suitcases. And they give me this like handful of ropes attached to the triggers of the catapults. And they're like "Pull it Bobby, your the only one who's got the moves." And so I John Woo it and the suitcases look like they arn't going to make it but they do and they blow the crap out of mothership which probably will land on the school, so unfortunately none of us will really see the ending but me, but trust me, from that day forth I have no problems with the ladies.
This is not an appropriate Earth Day essay. Please write another essay over the weekend and turn it in on Monday.
Why? It won't be Earth Day on Monday, no one will care about the environment then.
Detention it is.