Letter to the Editor

By Joshua Brown


Humor






Letter to the editor, from Stan Andrews, the first human to make contact with an alien life form.

I'm writing this letter to clear up some misconceptions about myself and my experience with the alien as I've come under a lot of criticism about the incident in the recent weeks.

Being the first person to ever make contact with intelligent life, people often ask me a lot of questions. I'd probably say the most pervasive question besides "what did you do?" has been "why in the hell did you have sex with it?"

Well, let me tell you, it certainly was not on my agenda to have sex with an alien. It just kind of happened, as most one night stands do. Of course this was not your typical sexual encounter. There were no numbers exchanged, no "I love you's", or empty promises to hang out the next day. It was purely physical, and contrary to popular belief, completely mutual.

It all started out when I was sitting at home, reading Hemingway. Now I know what you're thinking. The same man that had sex with an alien life form also reads Hemingway? Yes, reader, I am a deep, intellectual individual who also happens to enjoy the physical pleasures of life. But I digress.

So I'm sitting at home reading Hemingway when I heard a tremendous crash from my back yard. Naturally I went to investigate the noise. I'll be damned if there wasn't a real live space craft, half impacted into the dirt, and completely destroying my vegetable garden right there in my yard. It was exactly like the stereotypical circular craft from the movies, blinking lights and all.

In a state of shocked disbelief, I stared at the craft for a couple minutes, waiting for something to happen. I figured calling the police wouldn't help. This was a UFO for Christ's sake. If it was here to destroy humanity, some measly idiot with a taser and a badge wasn't going to stop it.

Finally a door opened and the creature emerged. It looked like something out of a cheesy sci-fi horror flick, like a mix between Kermit the frog and an octopus with many more appendages. Its tentacles crawled all over the ground as it moved towards me. Frozen with fear and wildly curious, I remained still as it approached. Finally as it neared, it began feeling me with its tentacles. They were cold and slimy on my skin, and it was not shy about exploring every part of my body.

Note: At this point I will try my best to avoid graphic details. I trust the editor's discretion to remove any content from here on out that he/she deems too obscene for the reader without sacrificing the integrity of the story.

Most men can agree that there are times when we can become aroused without being sexually attracted to something. For example, in grade school I went through a phase where every day in first period I would have a slightly embarrassing morning visitor; not because I was particularly attracted to the history of the Civil war, but simply because my body chemistry decided that it should happen at that time every morning. Now I don't know if it was all the alien-groping or just the excitement of the moment but I soon became inexplicably aroused. The alien's tentacles stopped for a moment, as if it knew what had just happened and was deciding how to react. I suppose awkwardness isn't just a human phenomenon. It was at this point that I considered what would happen if this went any further. I then concluded that this would likely be the only chance in my entire life to have a sexual encounter with an alien and I sure as hell wasn't going to pass up an opportunity like that. The alien must have had a similar thought process because it was then that the alien continued in its groping, but now in a more focused area. It was clear what was going to happen.

[Paragraph censored for graphic content]

[Paragraph censored for graphic content]

We both fell into the grass, lying beside each other, reveling in the moment of ecstasy. A tentacle was wrapped around my clutching hand. The night sky was littered with stars and I wondered from which one this strange visitor had come.

It was then that a certain feeling started to creep up. It's an emotion experienced by almost everyone at one point or another, and it's somewhat hard to explain. It usually happens after a sexual encounter in which one did not wish to engage in but got lost in the heat of the moment and succumbed to the physical desire. Reality sets in. And then a feeling of regret, mixed with shame, and an overarching disgust for oneself. Well let me tell you, I've never felt this sensation so strongly until that very moment, about two minutes after having sex with an alien and you just realize what you've done. There's no going back now. You're officially an alien-[censored].

I sat up, looked around, and realized my worst fears. The noise had attracted the attention of my neighbors, who peered unabashedly over either side of my fence. I wondered how much they'd seen, hoping it was just now that they had decided to find out what all the commotion was. I waved towards the elderly couple who live in the house to my right. Neither of them waved back, staring at me with a look of complete and utter repulsion. I looked at the other side of the fence. My neighbor, Bob, whom I had lent power tools to on a few occasions was holding up his phone, snapping photos while simultaneously looking disgusted.

The self-loathing was intensified a hundred times. I quickly stood up, brushing myself off, unsure of what to do. The alien was just now getting up also. Somehow, it too looked ashamed. It didn't give me a second look as it sulked off slowly back to its craft. Right before it was completely within the ship it turned back towards me, grunted, and then continued onto the craft as the door shut behind it. The blinking lights turned back on immediately and the ship lifted off the ground and rose back up into the night sky. I walked, head down, back into my house, drawing a blank on anything I could say to my neighbors that would justify my actions.

I got back inside just in time to see the news vans arriving in front of my house. The rest of the story is well documented, but I hope that at least my side of the matter was cleared up. Yes, I had sex with an alien but I do regret it, for the most part, as I'm sure it does too. I understand that I probably misrepresented the human race to these alien life forms and for that I am sorry. But please rest assured knowing that if another alien should happen to land in my backyard, I will certainly try my best to refrain from fornicating with it.

-David

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